Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Daikonashi Welcome

Earlier this week, we received some family news. Nearly three years ago, Darron's cousin was killed in a small plane crash. On Sunday, we found out that his widow is engaged to be married again. My heart, and I know Darron's too, is nearly full to bursting with happiness for her. Although we have lost much of our closeness with her since the accident, we have witnessed the loneliness she has gone through while trying to live life without her life's companion. I do not pretend to speak for her or try to describe her emotions and journey, the things I say reflect only my perspective as an onlooker, my own emotional journey.

Darron and I can divide many aspects of our life into before and after the accident (and its attendant fallout). The depth of our marriage, our commitment to God, what we do with our time, how we view money, and our perspective on many other things has been altered as a result of this event. It is one of those many other things I felt like writing about today.

When Darron and I were married 12 years ago, I was sure of one thing. If I died before him, Darron was NOT to get married again. The End. I was the only woman in his life, and he could pine and mourn for me until the end of his pitiful days. Terribly romantic and quite Anne of Green Gables. I suppose he could eventually die of consumption, if it came up. Well, then the kids came along and with it the realization that they might need more than a pining, consumptive father to raise them and make their lives balanced and happy, should their mother die. So I developed a proviso. Darron COULD get married again IF: a) the children were still living at home, and b) the new wife had fat ankles, was desperately unattractive, and adored my children. It was to be a loveless marriage. I could live with that. She would cook delicious healthy meals, maintain an orderly and disinfected house, keep them all pressed and dressed, read the kids as many stories as they asked for without ever getting bored or tired. And, if something ever happened to Darron, then I'D marry her. I could not stomach the thought of Darron loving and bonding intimately with someone else. Just the thought of the possibility felt like a betrayal.

And then one night a plane crashed into a lake. And a woman in her early thirties, with three children and one on the way, was left alone. Alone to raise the children, to run the house, to attend church and school functions, to take vacations, to eat at restaurants, to have opinions, to have worries, to walk through life for 60 more years. Alone. And suddenly, things I was sure of didn't seem so definite anymore. I had seen how much she loved her husband. I had witnessed it firsthand for years. Their relationship was deep, strong, committed. I had seen them have difficulties and obstacles, had seen them work them out and then draw closer. They were happy and in love. I saw her mourn her husband. I saw her anguished, lonely, depressed. I saw her unable to experience joy, laughter, emotions, so consuming was her grief. And when the heavy veil of grief began to lift, you could see that something in her was gone. She was still a mother. She had her children to nurture and love and serve, but that was all. The part of her that had been a wife and lover and best friend was gone. It wasn't needed anymore. And I was left to wonder, who would want this for their spouse, for the person they loved most on earth? Who would be so selfish as to resign the one they love to this? Whether it be 60 years or 2 weeks?

Not me, I decided. So without much discussion really, I told Darron that it would be ok. If he got married again. I don't think I needed to say it, he knew my heart had been changed, but I wanted him to hear it. That I would truly want him to be happy. He had always assumed I would get married directly after his funeral and had never given me any silly restrictives. (Apparently he thinks I'm a free-lovin' sex fiend and won't be able to survive for more than a month without a sugar daddy. He also believes I will one day snap and kill him in the middle of the night. I am not making this up. Another time...Another post...) The thought of him going through any part of his life bearing the weight of loneliness was more than even I, self-interested I, could live with. What is so wrong with my husband loving another woman? Well, when I put it that way, it does sound wrong, but will what he (or I) may one day feel for another spouse lessen the love that will always exist between us? I know it won't. The memories may fade, will fade, but when time is no more and the eternities await us in full view, the love we began building here will still exist between us, and we will pick up where we left off.

So my new story goes like this: Darron, feel free and cleared to take another crack at marriage, once I've gone. There will be no guilt, no hauntings, no cold shoulder when we get to heaven. I don't even have any provisos this time, just a couple, shall we say, suggestions? First, if you and new wife could continue working on your OCD tendencies, I would really appreciate it in the world to come. I've been going at it for 12 years now, but if you let it go, there would be some regression. Second, if you wouldn't mind trying to find someone flatter chested than me, I think that might be really nice. For me. If this proves impossible, no big deal, I only ask that you try. And to our dear cousin, I wholeheartedly wish that she finds a loving and fulfilling relationship with her new husband for many joyful years to come.

Friday, March 13, 2009

To the Depth and Breadth and Height

My husband is pretty great. Sometimes I forget, sometimes I get too busy with myself to acknowledge, and that's too bad. Seriously and mostly for me. I take for granted that he is an excellent father and husband and all-around guy. Why? Because I've always had him. As long as I can remember, and even before that. (My long-term caps out at about 4 years.) So here's one reason my husband gets my vote.

It's no secret that my husband's family is a little, uh, how-you-say, assertive. Each and every one of them. Pushiness is a virtue in the Miller/Tolbert creed, and I say this with their full approval and concurrence. They do not tolerate crap in any form from any source under any circumstances. In a restaurant, on the road, from an employer/ee, friend, sibling, bishop, blind-deaf-legless-indigent-toothless-old-man. Now. Over to the Harts, my side of the fence. Assertiveness? Never. Pushiness? Please stop, I'm flushing. Crap? Yes, we have a special bucket for that. Tell your friends! So the joining together of these two life views proved difficult if not extremely comical (in hindsight only) in the beginning.

Over the years, time has softened the edges and we've found our comfortable coexistence. I may still cringe, blush, or hide around the corner as Darron takes care of business in an increasingly gracious, tactful, respectful way. I may still plead with him to just forget it, we can eat the wrong food, stay at a hotel that didn't change our sheets, paint the walls with high gloss instead of eggshell. Really! But in truth, I am so glad to have a person who will take care of me and not let me get trampled or exploited. He will stand up to injustice and see to it that things are made right. Not only for his family, but for others. And what continues amazing me time after time, is those he confronts, with very few exceptions, end up seeing it his way, apologizing, and becoming a friend and ally. Its a superpower the way I see it. He may not dance, he may not eat food from street vendors, but he's got backbone enough for the both of us and he is NOT afraid to use it.

So I love him. Even more than Adam Lambert.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

There's Something About Kara

I gave her a chance. I really did. I tried to like her, to listen to her, to keep an open mind when she was speaking (rubbish). I laughed at her jokes, when I wasn't feeling them. I've even defended her from another critic.

If you can't say somethin' nice, don't say nothin' at all. --Thumper the Rabbit

As I would dearly like to say somethin', I will start by saying some nice things. First. She has great hair. This can get someone pretty far, in my book. I covet long beautiful dark brown hair, so there's one thing. Second. Her eye makeup is always nice. She doesn't go overboard, but still maintains glamour. Its a delicate balance. Hmm. Let's see. Ok, when I launched this paragraph I really thought I would have more than two, but since it seems I don't... I'll move right along.

Here's my biggest beef-- and everything else kind of mushrooms from this one thing. ( I think I might be hungry) She is fake. Scripted. Insincere. Canned. Rehearsed. Now I realize that the judges get to view the rehearsals earlier that day, so they can get some ideas on clever things to say. I understand, I'm okay, that's the way of the Idol. But. Somehow ALL the other judges manage to make their comments sound spontaneous and sincere. But not her. Look. I know she's new. I know she feels she has to prove herself. I know she is an artist, a musician, she knows things that everyone else doesn't. But I do not feel this should be an excuse. Randy's too cool for school, that doesn't stop him. Paula knows nothing of music, that doesn't stop her. Simon's so icily needy it bursts out of his skin, but does he let it stop him? NO!! They say the words that come out of their mouth not the speech they've prepared in their head. This is it. This is what I have against her. And now I have to fast forward through TWO people on the show. Darron's okay if I am a little slow on the Ryan editing, but if I let Kara in for a second, there's trouble.

I hold out hope that if ratings get low enough, AI will have a week where we get to vote off a judge. I think that could be really big for them. Is it okay to have uncharitable feelings toward someone you only know in your celebrity fantasy world? Because my list may be getting a little too long. Ryan Seacrest, Ann Heche, Genevieve Gordon, Paul Schaeffer ladies and gentlemen, and now Kara DioGuardi.

BTW and for the record. I heart Adam Lambert. I heart him SOOO much. Darron does too, but he's got a soft spot for Danny Gokey. Its the dancing.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Police Beat

It appears we have a tagger in the house.

I've seen this guy before...Here's some of his earlier work, from his mostly-caps-all-backward phase...still using the medium of fork on varnished table.
I'll admit this one threw me off for a minute... new name, new surface...
But after accusing the wrong child--I mean suspect--I could see my mistake. Brilliant move, framing your rival. But eventually they all get cocky. Think they'll never get caught. And overconfidence leads them to reveal their hand.

Somebody give this child a pad of paper. Please.

I Would Like to Thank the World Wide Web...

Remember how I said I was an excellent mother? No? Well, it must have slipped my mind. Get out the Mother-of-the-Year nomination forms. My daughter and son's birthday party is finally planned. Invitations went out today. Oh, you ask? The same daughter and son whose birthdays were last month? Why yes, the very same.

What.